


I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed

by serendipitous_rambles



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, but i got carried away, happy valentine's day, no winnie, prompt, this was a lot longer than i planned it to be, title from jane austen again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitous_rambles/pseuds/serendipitous_rambles
Summary: Season 3 canon divergence, what would happen if Winnie wasn't in the picture? Would Anne and Gilbert figure things out quicker? Probably not with these two idiots...////"Hii, would you write a season 3 au for Shirbert? How their plot would have been if there was no Winnie and it was just them? I understand they needed something to make Anne realize her feelings for Gilbert earlier in time but since it broke my heart see Anne suffering I thought it would be a good fic idea?"
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley
Comments: 11
Kudos: 237





	I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed

**Author's Note:**

> Starts off from ep 5 and the dance scene. I think things wouldn't really change much before then without Winnie since Anne didn't even know about her until ep 6, and that's when the drama/miscommunication starts.

This was...new. Anne stood facing Gilbert, short of breath. The dance hadn’t even been that intense, and yet she found her chest tight when she looked at him. His hands were clenched in fists by his sides as if he didn’t quite know what to do with them. Just moments ago those same hands had been holding hers, a playful smile on his face that she hadn’t seen very often - not since Mary’s death. Something had happened between them, but she couldn’t figure out what. It was as if the rest of the class had faded away and time slowed down, like something out of a Jane Austen novel. But just like that, it was over. 

She realised she was still staring into his eyes, the eyes that ever since Ruby had said were “full of romance” she couldn’t get out of her head. Everyone else had begun gathering their things to leave, and she blinked herself out of whatever weird trance she was in, stepping away from Gilbert.

Her heart was beating faster than ever before, her mind screaming: “ _what does this mean?_ ”. It was like her body had taken over, automatically putting on her coat and scarf without her really realising. The initial spell had worn off, and now she was left with confusing...feelings. She had to get away to think.

But as she turned, the breath caught in her throat. Once again she was face to face with Gilbert, who had the same startled expression, his mouth slightly hanging open. 

“Uh…” she mumbled, before her feet had carried her away, stopping her making some foolish mistake and saying something embarrassing. She always makes a fool of herself in front of him, but not today. It had been so easy dancing with him, smiles coming naturally to their faces, hands perfectly fitting together.

What was she thinking? This was Gilbert. _Gilbert Blythe_. Her rival, her classmate...her friend. They couldn’t...he wouldn’t...it was just a dance. They got caught up in the music, that was all…

“Anne!” her stomach dropped. He was running after her?

“You don’t walk this way.” she snapped, a little too harshly perhaps, and the slight drop in his features made her wish she hadn’t been quite so harsh. 

“I just wanted to ask if Marilla has any knitting patterns Bash could borrow. Dellie needs new socks but he’s hopeless.” he had carried on walking, his posture slightly stiff and awkward.

“I can have a look but I’m sure there’s something. I think it’s wonderful he wants to make her clothes.”

“He wants her to have something smart for the fayre, although I doubt how smart they’ll be with him knitting.” he chuckled, starting to ease up a little bit. 

It had suddenly dawned on Anne...she was walking home with a boy. Had this been his plan all along? A fake excuse about knitting to suddenly end up walking the same way as her? No...that was ridiculous. 

“So that was odd...the dancing.” he changed the conversation, Anne suddenly snapping her head to look at him.

“Uh, yeah. Why would we need to waste time learning to dance when exams are coming up?” she lied. She had dreamed of being taught a dance, and she’d never had more fun. But somehow admitting it to Gilbert would feel like she was confessing something, like a secret. She felt vulnerable.

“Exactly.” he laughed, but it seemed fake. “We’re supposed to be going to college soon. It’s ridiculous…”

“Not my preferred way to spend an afternoon…” she said, hoping the lie wasn’t evident in her voice. 

“Mine either.” he didn’t look at her, focusing instead on the path ahead of them. 

They came to a fork in the road, and Gilbert stopped. “I’m headed this way.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Anne gave him a friendly smile, and she could have sworn she saw something change in his eyes as she did so. But he’d turned away before she could get a proper look at it.

What had just happened?

* * *

"...I was Elizabeth Bennett dancing with Mr Darcy…"

Anne lay on Diana's bed, recounting the "confusing feelings" that she'd felt since the dance class. 

Diana watched as Anne's expression grew soft, her mind no doubt thinking back to the way Gilbert had spun and twirled her around during dance practice. Those two had been so caught up in their own world they had forgotten that the rest of the class could see them. Diana had seen the looks pass between them, although it wasn't exactly a new occurrence.

"Anne... I'm going to ask you something and do try to answer honestly. Do you have a crush on Gilbert?"

Anne felt something in her chest, but it wasn't bad...it felt comforting. It was as if suddenly everything made sense. It wasn't scary, but rather as if she kind of knew all along...

"I….I... maybe? No. No I can't. He's Gilbert."

"But Cole said he thought he had a crush on you."

"That was just Cole being Cole." She suddenly sat up on her knees, "You don't think it's true do you?"

"I saw the way he was looking at you when you danced."

Anne fell against Diana's bed again, sighing. "Eyes...that's what Ruby said. When he looked at me…"

"You'll see him tomorrow at the fayre." Diana gave her a sly smile. "Maybe-"

"Maybe _nothing_ Diana. I'm not going to do anything."

"But-"

"I'm just confused that's all." She tried to shrug it off. "It doesn't mean anything…."

Diana rolled her eyes, continuing to rummage through dresses.

"But he did walk me home afterwards…" Anne suddenly said, Diana immediately dropping the dress she'd been holding.

"He _walked you home_?" 

"Only part of the way. But he wanted to ask about something for Bash."

"Anne that was clearly an excuse just to walk with you!"

"No it wasn't...was it? Oh I'm even more confused now than I've ever been. If only some divine being could tell me what goes on in the minds of boys."

They both laughed, Diana wrapping her arms around Anne. "I'm sure we wouldn't _want_ to know what goes on in their heads."

They fell back laughing, but suddenly the closet door burst open, Minnie May jumping out.

"I'm _Diana_!" She shrieked, twirling around in one of Diana's dresses.

"Minnie May get out!" Diana ushered the girl away, Anne still laughing.

Maybe the fayre wouldn't be too bad. She just had to avoid Gilbert until she figured out what these feelings were.

* * *

“He loves me...he loves me not…” Anne sat plucking a flower, the petals falling to her lap. “Maybe it would be better if he didn’t love me. Our friendship is so fragile. But I always imagined I’d be friends with my husband, we would be so much more than just man and wife. We’d be equals. And Gilbert certainly is my equal…”

“You almost ready to leave?” Matthew poked his head around the barn door, Anne quickly jumping from the fence she’d been sat on, hoping he hadn’t just heard her lamenting over a boy.

The fayre was like nothing Anne had experienced before, making her momentarily forget about her internal quandary. There were so many smells, sounds, and sights to distract her.

But one tent in particular caught her eye, the coin Marilla had given her burning in her hand, begging to be spent in this particular place. It was perfect, a fortune teller. If anyone could give her guidance, it would be this lady.

…

“Diana!” Anne shrieked, running through the crowd. Her heart was giddy, her hopes lifted. “Diana!”

“Anne? Slow down.” Diana caught her as she barrelled into her. 

“The fortune teller. She said my true love will be a good dancer.”

Diana raised an eyebrow, “I’m not following?”

“I went to a fortune teller and she told me about my true love. His eyes! That’s what Ruby said. And the dancing? Tall, dark...Diana, maybe he’s my destiny.”

“Who?”

“Gilbert.” Anne smiled, finally saying it out loud felt right. Maybe the books were right, maybe there was someone out there that was perfect for you, that you were just meant to be with. And was that Gilbert? 

“What are you going to do?” Diana grabbed Anne’s hands excitedly, finally Anne had come to her senses. “Are you going to tell Gilbert?”

“Tell me what?” 

Anne turned around, eyes wide with shock. Had he overheard all of that? “Uh...”

He was staring at her with a raised eyebrow and a smug grin plastered over his face, so very Gilbert. 

Anne was opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, what was she supposed to say to him: _“hey I just figured out from a fortune teller that we may be destined for each other.”_? Of course not!

“I entered the baking competition.” she managed to stumble out, practically feeling Diana’s defeat.

Gilbert's smile dropped a little, but he nodded in encouragement. "Well I've no doubt you'll do well. Oh, I see Bash. I’ll see you later?”

Anne nodded, her gaze lingering as he tipped his cap in farewell.

“You have to tell him at some point.” Diana whispered, noting the longing look from Anne.

“What if he doesn’t feel the same. Why would he? I’m just me. He’s...he’s Gilbert. He deserves some beautiful wife not me.”

“You sound ridiculous. Gilbert has been smitten with you since day one. I can’t believe it’s taken both of you this long to figure it out.”

Anne followed Gilbert through the crowd, seeing him catch up with Bash. He smiled widely, opening his arms to take Dellie from Bash. He wasn’t like the other boys. He was open minded, he was driven, maybe he wouldn’t want what everyone else wants. Maybe he would want her.

“Two minutes ago you were calling him your destiny and now you’re unsure?” Diana continued. “You said it yourself you thought he felt it too.”

Anne took a deep breath, looking away from Gilbert. “The competition is about to start.” Anything to stop the even more confusing feelings.

* * *

“They’re playing White Sergeant!” Diana grabbed Anne’s hand, leading her into the circle.

She suddenly found herself standing face to face with Gilbert, his playful smile still on his face. She could have sworn his eyes briefly looked her up and down, suddenly feeling too aware of herself. Had he always been like this? Why now was she only noticing? 

But before the music started, Gilbert started weaving himself between his peers, until he was next to Anne, swapping places with Charlie. He held out his hand and Anne took it, his thumb lightly brushing against the top of her palm. She couldn’t look at him, the blood rushing to her cheeks. 

The dance was different, Gilbert didn’t interrupt the flow just to stay near her and Anne felt a little disappointed. But whenever she made eye contact with him, she saw that romance Ruby had mentioned. His eyes were soft, a light smile on his face. When it ended, his hand lingered slightly longer before dropping it.

“Good dance.” He said, hands awkwardly by his sides again. He looked like he didn’t know what to do.

“You too.” she said, but everything felt awkward now. Before they could talk to each other easily - well, if they weren’t arguing. 

They stood staring at each other for a moment, another dance beginning in the background. Diana and the other girls had begun nudging each other, but neither Anne or Gilbert noticed.

“Ah, there you are Anne. Hello, Gilbert.” Marilla’s voice made Anne jump from Gilbert as if they were doing something wildly inappropriate instead of just standing near each other. “Matthew’s tired, we were thinking of heading back.”

“So soon?” Anne felt bad, she obviously didn’t want to make Matthew uncomfortable, but the party was barely starting.

“I can walk her home later if Anne wants to stay a while longer. Provided that is alright with you and Anne.” Gilbert suggested.

Anne turned to look at him, the second time he’s offered to walk her home. 

“Well, if it’s alright with Anne.” Marilla looked between the two, trying to hold back a smile. 

“I promise she will get home safe.” Gilbert smiled, and Anne looked up at him, mouth agape. How could he so easily get Marilla to agree with him?

“Alright then. We’ll see you at home. Not too late might I add.” Marilla gave one final warning look, but Anne felt like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. 

“Is this alright?” Gilbert nervously turned to her once Marilla had left. “I hope it wasn’t too presumptuous, it just looked like you weren’t quite ready to leave yet. I know you don’t need my supervision.”

“No, this is fine. Thank you for offering. She never would have let me walk by myself.”

He smiled at that, standing a little taller. They stood watching the adults dancing for a while, before he turned to her. “I don’t think you’ve seen Dellie’s new socks that Bash knitted.”

“Oh yes, how did that go?”

“Surprisingly well.” he chuckled, beginning to walk across the room to Bash, Anne at his heels.

The party started to die down, but Anne didn't know how to ask Gilbert to leave. It felt like crossing a boundary to have to actually ask him to walk her home instead of it just happening naturally.

But he seemed to sense what she was feeling. "Shall we go? Marilla will probably expect you home soon."

"That would be best."

They walked silently for a while, Anne once again overtly aware of herself. She'd never felt like this around Gilbert before, it had been so easy. But now...now she couldn't figure out how to act around him. Does she tell him she might have a crush on him? Or would it ruin their friendship? But the best kinds of love stemmed from friendships.

"You're quite the dancer." Gilbert said, trying to fill the silence. 

"You're not too bad yourself." 

"Why thank you." He stopped walking so he could bow, jogging lightly to catch up with Anne afterwards. "Can you believe it's only a few weeks until the exams? Soon we'll be in college."

The thought sent a little pang into Anne's heart. She'd never considered that she could be saying goodbye to Gilbert. If he goes to Toronto...she may never see him again.

"Gilbert I…" she started to say but held her tongue. There was no way she could just blurt it out that she had feelings for him.

"Yeah?" There was something hopeful in his voice, his mouth slightly open and brows furrowed, looking all at once worried, confused, but hopeful.

In the darkness everything felt amplified. It felt inappropriate to be with Gilbert like this, and yet so exciting. The moon was high in the sky, casting him in a silver glow. He was enchanting. 

"I hope you get into Toronto." She said, but it was empty. Selfishly she didn't want him to get into Toronto. She wanted him to stay here, to stay with her.

"I _know_ you'll get into Queens. They'd be idiots if they didn't let the great Anne Shirley Cuthbert in." He playfully nudged her as they walked, Anne thankful for the darkness to conceal her blush. 

"It'll be strange though, not seeing you." he sighed, and Anne's heart foolishly skipped a beat. "I'll have to find a new rival."

"Oh." And just like that her heart sank again. "I suppose so will I…"

"I'll miss Avonlea. But I think it'll be good. I don't want to be some small town doctor. I want to make something of myself. Live my life." 

"I know you will." She smiled sadly. It seemed as though his whole life was planned out but she wasn't in it. He didn't want to stay, she would only be holding him back.

The trees cleared and Green Gables was in view, the kitchen candles still burning in the window. Gilbert insisted on walking Anne to the door.

"Thank you for walking me." She said, awkwardly playing with her hands. 

"It was no trouble. I like walking with you." But before she could respond Marilla had opened the door behind her.

"Ah Gilbert. Thank you so much for keeping Anne safe." 

"It was my pleasure Ms Cuthbert. Have a lovely evening." He tipped his cap to the two women and disappeared once again into the darkness.

"That was awfully nice of Gilbert to walk you home." Marilla waited until he was gone, Anne instantly wanting the ground to swallow her up. "He's grown into quite the gentleman."

"So you say." Anne shrugged, trying to get passed Marilla without seeming rude.

"What are his plans after school?"

"He's going to Toronto."

Marilla looked at Anne with...pity? There was something sad in her eyes, something knowing in that look. "That far?"

"He wants to be a big city doctor. Avonlea just... isn't enough for him." Anne sighed. If Avonlea wasn't enough for him, how could _she_ ever hope to be enough.

Marilla nodded solemnly, unsure what to say. Anne didn't give her much chance to think of something before she headed upstairs to her room.

She collapsed on her bed, holding a hand against her heart. How was she supposed to know if these feelings were actually love or just a silly school girl crush like Ruby's? But whenever she tried to get him out of her head, there Gilbert would be. That endearing smirk across his face etched forever into her brain.

* * *

Exams crept up on Anne faster than she'd thought, but part of her was grateful for the distraction. She could study and avoid thinking about Gilbert... except when he would sit next to her and all she could think about was his arm brushing against hers as they wrote.

But finally the day of the exams had arrived, the entire Avonlea class nervously waiting outside the hall.

Moody was hyperventilating, Ruby was on the verge of tears, Josie was reciting facts and blocking out her ears to avoid Jane's anxious questions.

Anne tried to remain calm, but couldn't help shuffling through her notes.

"Good luck." She looked up to see Gilbert looking as calm as ever. "Not that you'll need it of course."

"I feel like I've forgotten everything Miss Stacy has ever taught us." Anne lowered the cards to her side.

Gilbert shook his head, "Impossible."

Anne watched as he looked around at their classmates, a small smile tugging at his lips. It suddenly sunk in as to what he was doing: this was possibly the last time they'd all be together like this. After years of schooling it all came down to these exams. It was almost goodbye. But not quite yet.

Suddenly the door opened and the examiner stepped out, everyone freezing.

"You may enter."

Anne swallowed a nervous lump in her throat, but Gilbert stopped her before she could enter.

"One final competition?" He playfully held his hand out, waiting for her to shake it. Somehow it made her feel a little better.

"May the best student win." She matched his smile, shaking his hand firmly as she tried to ignore the fact his hand lingered once again a second too long.

* * *

"Class of '99!!!" Moody screamed as they all tumbled out the exam hall.

"Anne." Gilbert lightly tapped her arm to get her attention. "How did it go?"

"I think it went well. Only time will tell though. What about you?"

"Same as you. I just hope it's enough for Toronto."

They trailed along behind the rest of the class as they headed towards the ruins, a pre-planned celebration.

"... but if it's not? Would you attend Queens?" Anne asked quietly, ashamed that she would even think such a thing. But she was selfish. She wanted him to follow his dreams but she didn't want to give him up. 

"I suppose so…" he sighed, and in that moment Anne knew there would be nothing she could do to convince him to stay. Toronto was his dream, it was right for him. She had to let him go.

"Gilbert come on!" Moody called behind him and Gilbert gave Anne an apologetic look as he ran to catch up.

"Is everything ok, Anne?" Diana had turned around, noticing Anne was trailing.

"Yeah just...tired. All that hard work finally put to use." She tried to laugh, hoping it was convincing enough.

"Come on, the boys said they'd build a bonfire." Diana grabbed Anne's hand, dragging her to catch up with the main group.

* * *

After one too many drinks of moonshine, Anne had climbed on top of the ruins, urged on by the cheers of her classmates. All except Gilbert, who had refused any drink and was anxiously watching Anne as she told her story.

The fire behind her was catching her hair in the most wonderful light, Gilbert couldn’t look away. 

“Can I speak with you a moment?” he looked up at her softly, holding out a hand to help her step down.

Anne couldn’t read the expression on his face, it was suddenly so serious, but also so vulnerable. He looked so young and lost. 

He dropped her hand, walking over to a log to sit down as Anne followed him.

“What’s wrong?” she tried to think clearly, but her head felt fuzzy.

Gilbert’s face was twisted into confusion, he couldn’t find the words he wanted to say. "We've...been friends for a while now. And soon we'll be parting ways. But...I need to know...what if I didn't go to Toronto. What if I stayed and went to Queens. Would there be any way…?"

Anne froze, feeling her heart hammering. He wasn't asking what she thought he was...was he? "I don't understand."

"Tell me to stay."

She wanted nothing more than to tell him that. To keep him here with her. But it felt so empty. He couldn't stay. "You don't want to be a small town doctor... Toronto is the only way to achieve your dream. I don’t understand.” she said again. “What’s holding you back?”

He looked into her eyes, without missing a beat. “Just...one thing…”

“But you're….we never….and I don't... it's not fair….I…" she stammered out, trying to find the words. How could she tell him she loves him but can't hold him back? 

Gilbert nodded, unsure what Anne was trying to say. 

"Anne!" The girls screamed, "We need you for our game!" They swept Anne away before she could further explain herself. 

But Gilbert got the message. Anne didn't want him to stay. 

* * *

The next morning Anne stumbled down the stairs in a daze, memories of last night flooding back. Gilbert had wanted her to make him stay. Why would he do that unless…? 

"Anne? Are you alright?" Marilla caught Anne in her daze, urgently pressing a hand to her forehead. "Are you sick?"

Anne shook her head, slowly sitting down in a chair. “I think...I think Gilbert was trying to tell me he loves me...and I didn’t say it back…”

“Do you not have feelings for him?” Marilla sat next to her.

“I think I do...But I couldn’t hold him back. He wants to go to Toronto. He wants a big city life and I would only hold him back if I made him stay."

Marilla grabbed Anne’s hands, “Listen to me, Anne. Do  _ not _ make the same mistake I did. You must go to him. You must tell him. Don't let him leave without knowing how you feel. You’ll regret it if you don’t, believe me."

The urgency behind Marilla’s voice frightened Anne slightly, but she knew she was right. If she let him go to Toronto without ever knowing it would haunt her for her life. If he didn’t feel the same? Then it would hurt, but she would learn to move on. She can live her life. 

But it had to be done. He had to know.

* * *

There was no time to saddle her horse, Anne just ran. Her hair was a mess but this was too important. 

When the small house came into view, Anne stopped running. She needed a moment to catch her breath. What was she going to say? Maybe she should have written it down. But a confession from the heart was far more romantic. 

With a deep breath, she knocked on the door. But it wasn't Gilbert. It was Mrs Lacroix. 

"Oh, is...is Gilbert home?" Anne nervously looked passed her into the house in case Gilbert was there. "I have something urgent to discuss with him."

"They're out in the orchard." She gestured over Anne's head. 

"Thank you!" Anne hurriedly turned, missing Mrs Lacroix's disapproving "tut" at her manners. But when it came to matters of the heart, sometimes manners were thrown out the window.

"Gilbert!" Anne shouted, running through the trees desperate to find him. "Gilbert I'm sorry!"

"Anne?" Gilbert's head appeared from behind a tree, obscured by a big floppy hat. "What are you doing here?"

"Anne?" Bash's face also appeared, eager to hear what was happening.

"I need to talk to you about...last night." Her voice was barely above a whisper, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"Bash...maybe you should check on Dellie?" Gilbert suggested, lightly shoving him in the direction of the house.

"No way I want to hear this."

"Bash." Gilbert rarely ever gave him such a stern look, but Bash knew this time he was serious. This wasn't some game. 

"I'll go check on Dellie. Pleasure to see you Anne." He tipped his cap to her, before leaving, patting Gilbert on the shoulder as he left.

Gilbert removed his hat, placing it on the floor alongside his apple bag. "What did you want to talk about?"

Anne bit her lip, unsure whether to just blurt it out or build up to it. "I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't tell you what I wanted to say. What I should have said."

"Yeah?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't want you to go to Queens." His face twisted into disappointment. But Anne wasn't finished. "I don't want to hold you back. Being a big city doctor is your dream, and I can't let you give that up. I was confused before...and upset. But I'm not anymore... Gilbert…" she stepped forward taking one of his hands in hers. "I love you. But I don't want to be the reason you don't follow your dreams. I'm not asking you to stay. I just couldn't let you leave without knowing how I feel."

Gilbert stared at her for a moment, taking it all in. But suddenly he dropped her hand, and in one smooth motion he cupped her cheek in his hand and pressed his lips against hers. It took a second to register what was happening before Anne kissed him back.

He pulled away first, his hand still on her cheek. "I've been in love with you since you hit me over the head with your slate, carrots." He lightly touched his forehead to hears, both of them cracking a little smile.

"If I go to Toronto, will you wait for me?" He pulled back, looking into her eyes. 

Anne was nodding before she even realised."It won't be easy, but we'll make it work. All I know is I don't want to be the reason you give up on your dreams."

"And I would never ask you to give up yours for me." He held her hands, bringing them up to kiss them gently.

Anne smiled, it all happened so suddenly, but she was giddy. She was in love. And he loved her back. Was there ever anything so wonderful?

"We still have the summer…" his smile changed to be more playful. 

"I hope you're not implying anything scandalous." She laughed and he joined in, her hands coming up to rest on his shoulders. 

"I'm not planning on letting you go until I'm on the train to Toronto." He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her up.

She shrieked with laughter as he spun her around. Both of them caught up in the euphoria of their feelings being returned. They had many summer evenings ahead of them, and the rest of their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day x


End file.
